Sunday, March 04, 2007

march 4th.






it's 8:10 pm on march 3rd. my blog is set on india time, and right now it's march 4th in india. so i'm writing this entry right now. somewhere on the earth it's march fourth.

march fourth today in india and a few hours until that date here in new york city.

my brother sam would be twenty three, march 4th 2007. but he died 22 years old from testicular cancer just months ago, september 23, 2006. it seems like yesterday, it seems like years ago.

happy birthday sammy, wherever you are... up high in heaven, walking barefoot on a dirt path in africa, another boy reincarnated or maybe you're in a tummy, in labor, about to be born to a mother, about to pop out tomorrow, your birthday, a continuous soul somewhere on this earth somewhere in this universe about to live another life.

but wherever you are sammy, whatever you are doing right now, i hope you know that i love you so much and i hope you know i miss you about as much as i think anyone could ever miss somebody. i wish you were still alive here with me, laughing, playing, like we used to do when we were young in riverside park. fighting in the sandbox, jumping off the jungle gym, chasing and running after each other. i even wish you were still sick here on the couch everyday, wishing you were healthy. that would even be better than what i got right now. cause i don't have you anymore and never will.

phew.

sammy, i just went and watched the lunar eclipse over a beautiful glowing red harlem. it was beautiful. i hope you got a chance to see it too, wherever you are, maybe you are even on the moon for the eclipse, in the shadow, racing over the surface, laughing as the shadow slowly left the surface and that bright glowing white sun blanketed the rocky surface yet again. maybe you were sprinting and giggling, trying to stay hidden in shadow, hundreds of miles on the moon's surface, not tired, not winded, just having fun up there.

i love you sammy.

love and health to all...

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for your loss. Please keep doing what you're doing and hang in there.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous Alex said...

Ben,
There's not a whole lot to say that we haven't already but as this is the first time I've actually posted I wanted to remind you of how important this blog is to me. Not only to showcase your tremendous talent in writing and photography but as a way for us to remember Sam. I have a hard time some days with the blog but it's only because he was so amazing that this is so hard. It's hard to believe that a year ago I was watching him and Zach see who was a better 'crotch rocker' at a bar in LA.(Quite a site I assure you) Seems like yesterday. Much love, Alex

3:45 AM  
Blogger Samuel said...

Much love.

12:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy birthday to the most charming and wonderful man. thank you for writing and posting.

1:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Sammy and I never even met him. How is that possible? I close my eyes and feel the closeness the two of you had. I sit here with tears as I read what you wrote and know your sadness. I think of Sammy watching you and loving you as you do him.

1:12 AM  
Blogger Loren said...

Ben...this is the first time I've seen your blog, and although I'm not usually one to post, I just want you to know amazing I think this site is. Not only are your photos beautiful and poetic, but your thoughts are deep and healing to so many people. Sam was the best, as all of you Lenzners prove to be. I have no doubt that Sam was right by my side this whole year, and will continue to be. Keep it up, much much love

9:43 PM  
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